Posted in Epic Stories about Nothing

The Epic of the Squirrel

I’m not a good storyteller in person. Something happens between the words traveling from my brain to my mouth. I stumble over them, reveal things out of order, and repeat unnecessary details. It is humiliating. To try to fix this, I have decided to tell stories that would usually be boring in an epic way. Have you ever read The Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope? If not, just know that he takes mundane situations and tells them in the fashion of old epic poems. Now, that’s not exactly what I’m planning  for this category in my blog. What I am planning is to tell you stories that are true, but I will mix just a bit of fiction to make them a little more exciting. Now, without further ado, here is the promised story about the flying squirrel.

The squirrel timidly approached the portal leading into the human’s fortress. He was there on special mission, sent by the others to retrieve the relic. They had been observing the relic through the force field for quite some time now. It lay in plain view beneath on of the many thrones the humans sat in. It was a flat, round object that glittered in the sunlight. Through the glare it cast, an etching of a human face could be seen. This relic must hold great power to have their very image scratched into it. That was why they must have it.

He was picked for this mission for a reason: he could fly. Flappy skin that stretched between his arms and legs allowed him to glide should he jump off from a high place. Through the force field, the squirrel could see the male human pass, heading for the portal. He knew his moment of glory was coming.

As soon as the gateway opened, he shot in, flying past the large feet of the human. A gurgle of shock told him that his entrance was known by the enemy. His paws pounded on the hard ground beneath him as he raced for the relic. It glowed far ahead of him. Just as he was about to reach it, a growl shook the air around him. Glancing up, he thought he might crap on the floor. A cat was descending from the throne to stand in between him and the relic. Fearfully, he backed away. His courage leaving him, he turned to flee. The portal was wide open, but now two humans towered over him. How would he ever escape? The male human now wielded a weapon that ended in a wide spread of straw.

He turned just in time to see the cat leaping towards him. There was no time to think. He ran. He dashed in front of the male, dodging the weapon, but he could not reach the portal. He continued the race for his life, scrambling to turn before he ran into the legs of the female human who was stomping her feet, the great noise disorienting him.

Fleeing from the ever encroaching beast behind him, his feet led him in a circle, bringing him back in front of the male. In order to escape the incoming strike, he risked scampering over the human’s foot. The male let out the shriek of a young child. A thud resounded, and he risked looking over his shoulder to see the cat standing dazed. The human had misfired and hit the cat instead of him. Now was his chance!

He spun on his heels and sprinted out the portal. When he reached the sweet grass, he allowed himself to pause and breathe. Looking back, he watched the portal close. The relic would have to wait till another day.

How I would have told this story in person: One time, a squirrel ran over my dad’s foot, and he screamed like a girl.

Toodles x



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